I realized that I was so deeply unhappy with myself that I couldn’t even look in the mirror. If I did happen to catch a glimpse of my reflection, I didn’t recognize the person staring back. I pretended not to care about my appearance after awhile, citing “#thatquarantinelife” and “#workingfromhomewithababyatoddlerapreteenandateenlife.” Though these are legitimate stressors, they are also excuses. BS excuses.
Sure, times are hard and you don’t have to be perfect, but when you start to feel disgusting in your own skin (and there’s something you can do about it, but you just don’t), there is something wrong. In my particular case, there was no one to blame but myself.
I wasn’t being active or drinking enough water. I wasn’t getting enough sleep or managing my time well. I was anxious a lot and eating my way through it. I was falling apart and just too drained to do anything about it.
So, I scrolled Facebook Marketplace. I filled the spaces in between with looking at pretty things on a little screen to avoid facing what my own inaction had created.
If I paused for even a second, my low-vibe thoughts and feelings would start bubbling to the surface. And I didn’t want to deal with them. I didn’t want to acknowledge them because then they’d be real. And the person in the mirror would actually be ME. No, thanks.
My grammar fans out there may have noticed that I used past tense a majority of the time when describing my feelings and actions as result of this topic, but honestly, it’s still a very present issue. Full disclosure: I paused to scroll dozens of times while writing each one of these “circle the drain” parts.
Every day is a struggle. My obsessive activities, depression, and self-dissatisfaction didn’t just sneak up on me. I’ve known they could show up at any time; I let them show up. Likewise, I’ve always known how to manage them and/or send them on their merry way.
But I haven’t had the energy to face them until recently.
Because of the unending support from my husband, the audiobooks I’ve been devouring, a shift in mindset about where to spend my energy and money, and the discipline to use my time on people and activities that deserve my attention, I’ve been able to reset.
And I think I know why I finally found the strength to begin this uphill battle…
I won’t go too in-depth because I’m not an expert in numerology or astrology, but there’s something happening energetically in the universe right now (here’s where the woo-woo starts…) called the Lions Gate Portal. It opened on July 21 and closes on August 12; the epicenter was this past Saturday, August 8 (8/8).
According to Jana Carrey, intuitive healer, the Lions Gate Portal essentially “helps assist humanity into our next phase” and “helps us all to embody the Leonine traits of courage, nobility, self-worth, strength and unapologetic Sovereign self-expression.”
If you’ll recall in my post published July 31, 2020, “so many signs…,” I wrote about the intuitive nudges that prompted me to revive this blog. In addition to those examples of cosmic arrows pointing me this way, I had also been seeing repetitive numbers, or angel numbers, (e.g., 444, 222, 777, etc.) a lot—too often to ignore.
In addition, I’ve been seeing rainbows everywhere—in my photos, in my television screen, in the Lions Gate Portal photo on Jana Carrey’s website, and elsewhere.
My first awareness of their frequency came one afternoon when Caroline and I were watching her bubble machine. I said “Caroline, aren’t bubbles so beautiful? They have rainbows in them.”
Along with the above illustration, she said “Notice the powerful rainbows and use your own rainbow power … Notice … the signs around you …” ::mindblownagain::
This blog post goes into more detail about the symbolism of rainbows, but here’s a nugget: “Have you seen a rainbow recently? Take it as a promise from the Universe that everything is going to be okay and that any challenges you’re facing or new projects you’re working on are worth the time and effort you’re investing.” Well, don’t mind if I do.
When you are digging yourself out of a hole, there’s bound to be progress followed by backslide followed by progress. Two steps forward, one step back. That’s just part of the journey.
But I will tell you something… if the only person standing in your way of attaining XYZ goal is you, then you’ve. got. this. You have the strength deep down inside to rise above. Come into your own power, harness it, and handle your shit. If you have the love and support of people around you, even better! And hey, it doesn’t hurt to believe that the universe is on your side, too.
Post-post note 08.10.2020 – The plan was always to publish the last post in this series today. To add another layer of stardust, though, I began a new audiobook this morning by Cal Newport called Digital Minimalism. I had placed a hold on it awhile ago because it was the only book I could find about minimalism (in any form) on the Libby app that I hadn’t already read. I’m 43% into it and so far it’s discussed technology addiction, and how to implement a “digital decluttering” by removing apps that don’t add value to your life. Ah, synchronicity. 🙂