It’s not even noon and I’m worried that I’ve wasted the day.
I took today off from work to tend to overdue doctors’ appointments. Ethan will have his four-month check-up (He’s past five months now). And I will have a “new patient” meeting with a primary care physician (This was scheduled over a year ago and then I had to push it farther back because I was too consumed by work).
The word, neglect, has been running through my head for the last day or so. Ethan’s delay in getting to his well-check appointment was due to illness, so it couldn’t be helped. But I’m pretty sure everything else that overwhelms me right now is mostly my fault.
“You know, there are movie moments that you love, but you hope to never be. Maybe you thought you’d never be. But, then here you are. Charming your landlord while you sip what’s left of your dignity and hope they don’t notice how hopeless you are. Or they do and cheers to them for seeing you.”
Recently, I reached out to Beth, a friend of mine from my days in the vintage resale community. I had just picked up a cuuuuute ’60s-’70s coat from the thrift store, and thought she might be able to provide more insight into it.
As the conversation evolved, we talked about how we are both stepping out of our comfort zones in many ways—that we’ve been feeling this urge to transform and begin again refreshed.
I thought I was doing all the right things, and yet the pain kept getting worse.
I pulled some oracle cards on the issue and the messages pointed to setting boundaries, letting go of what no longer serves me, and taking a break from the treadmill of life (AKA be still and be present).
My first AH-HA moment of the day.
It all makes sense. I had already figured that the Universe wanted me to slow down. That’s usually the message when something abruptly puts your life on hold. But I still felt like I needed to KEEP MOVING.
Sometimes, it’s fun to look back. And there’s no better time than on the night of a Full Moon. It’s at this phase in the cycle when you can clearly see how far you’ve come and let go of anything (with gratitude) that no longer serves you.
In honor of tonight’s special Strawberry Supermoon, let’s take this opportunity to throw it back…
I realized that I was so deeply unhappy with myself that I couldn’t even look in the mirror. If I did happen to catch a glimpse of my reflection, I didn’t recognize the person staring back. I pretended not to care about my appearance after awhile, citing “#thatquarantinelife” and “#workingfromhomewithababyatoddlerapreteenandateenlife.” Though these are legitimate stressors, they are also excuses. BS excuses.
Sure, times are hard and you don’t have to be perfect, but when you start to feel disgusting in your own skin (and there’s something you can do about it, but you just don’t), there is something wrong. In my particular case, there was no one to blame but myself.