motherhood – Laura Insley.

morning thoughts on a mother’s day…

People have said to me that I’m a good mother. Then there was that one time when someone called me a deadbeat mother. There are the things people say about you and then the things you think about yourself.

I have been a mother for almost 20 years. The role has not always been sunshine and rainbows, but I think that’s the mental weight of what I thought it meant to be a mother.

I know it’s a hard day for a lot of people, so I won’t take up too much space talking about it. But I felt like this was worth putting out there…

what this weekend made me realize (abridged)…

This weekend was kind of weird. I might want to go into it in a longer version at some point, hence the “abridged” bit in the title.

But given the time and my current brain function, I’ll just go with a brief bulleted list of highlights…

a series of three haikus about what happened today…

I haven’t written a poem in awhile, but I felt moved to do so today. One wasn’t enough, so I’m giving you three that provide a solid overview of our day… so far.

You’re welcome…

are you feeling this shift?

I feel a weird bubbling up of something big underneath the surface. (Did anyone else just get that one Encanto song in their head?) Anyway, it’s exciting, even though I’m not quite sure what it’s about yet. But it gives me “new beginnings” and “#mondaymotivation” vibes.

It’s like that feeling right before you run a race. When you’re behind the line, lunged down, with your hands in front of you on the ground, and you’re just waiting for the cue to GO!

Not that I’ve ever been in a proper race, but ya know… when you’re all wound up and just ready. The only thing is that I don’t know what I’m ready for. I just know that I can’t wait, so I just need to DO.

Does that make sense?

a journal entry…

12.28.22 10:55 a.m. (and updated 01.29.22 12:47 p.m.)

Yesterday, the sun came out for what seemed like the first time in weeks. It melted most (if not all) of the snow around our house. There’s something magical about snow—watching it swirl around in the outside air… and getting excited when it actually sticks to the ground. Even though it’s one of those beautiful miracles of nature, I needed that melt yesterday.

I was never really a big fan of cold weather anyway, and even less so now in my postpartum condition.

I was tired of the grey… tired of cold… just tired. I needed the sun, and the healing energy of its warmth.

reset…

As I’m trying to figure out how to start this post, I realize that I have a lot going on in my head right now. My thoughts are scattered and nothing sounds right.

While this doesn’t sound too unusual for someone who just birthed a baby, brought a newborn home to sick siblings, is sleep-deprived and experiencing uncomfortable postpartum side effects, and riding an emotional rollercoaster… it’s still annoying.

plot twist…

Over the last several weeks, my family has been preparing for big changes.

Three weeks ago, we moved one kid into college dorms out of state.

Two weeks ago, we took one to her first day of kindergarten, while her brother began his last year of junior high.

Next week, one will make his first foray into preschool.

And in about 16ish weeks…

hello 41 weeks…

Seriously? Never did I think that I would still be pregnant seven days past my due date. Four days? Sure. Six days? It’s happened before. But seven? HMMM… I have to imagine the ultrasound tech or doctor got my date wrong. Especially for my FOURTH kid?! Bananas.

Well, regardless, here we are. I have an induction scheduled for tomorrow morning; I have to be at the hospital at 7 a.m. I was fortunate enough with the first three kids to avoid the need for drugs, so I’m a bit bummed that I might have to take something to induce labor. I’m pretty much hoping that by the morning, my body will be in a good enough position to just get things going with a swift break of the water bag. I say “hoping,” but truthfully, the word, hope, gives me pause these days. Ever since I heard Rachel Hollis speak at the 2019 Rodan + Fields convention, I reactively flinch whenever someone says “hopefully” or “I hope…” or something similar. During her talk, in relation to business (or making your dreams come true), Rachel blew my mind with five words—hope is not a strategy.

the waiting game…

Here we are, two days after my due date, and we’re still waiting to meet our little babe. I genuinely thought that this fourth child would come earlier than the others, but apparently not. (clearly still have a ways to go with this intuition thing) And that’s okay. Even though I’ve already begun to go stir crazy, I have been able to be semi-productive in other ways…

The first day home from work, I did my nails, finished the last season of A Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce, and almost finished Good Omens (have since finished it and it’s great—recommend). I also picked up the book, “A Spectacular Catastrophe,” again and made some headway. I may or may not have done a load of laundry, as well (baby brain). It’s a good bet, though; I’ve been doing at least one load every day. I’m trying to stay on top of these things now, as I know there will be a day (any day now) that I will completely neglect laundry and potentially most everything else that requires even a modicum of attention.

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