It’s not even noon and I’m worried that I’ve wasted the day.
I took today off from work to tend to overdue doctors’ appointments. Ethan will have his four-month check-up (He’s past five months now). And I will have a “new patient” meeting with a primary care physician (This was scheduled over a year ago and then I had to push it farther back because I was too consumed by work).
The word, neglect, has been running through my head for the last day or so. Ethan’s delay in getting to his well-check appointment was due to illness, so it couldn’t be helped. But I’m pretty sure everything else that overwhelms me right now is mostly my fault.
“You know, there are movie moments that you love, but you hope to never be. Maybe you thought you’d never be. But, then here you are. Charming your landlord while you sip what’s left of your dignity and hope they don’t notice how hopeless you are. Or they do and cheers to them for seeing you.”
People have said to me that I’m a good mother. Then there was that one time when someone called me a deadbeat mother. There are the things people say about you and then the things you think about yourself.
I have been a mother for almost 20 years. The role has not always been sunshine and rainbows, but I think that’s the mental weight of what I thought it meant to be a mother.
I know it’s a hard day for a lot of people, so I won’t take up too much space talking about it.But I felt like this was worth putting out there…